For those days we felt like a mistake.

It's really hard to comprehend what is really expected of you when you're only 17.

At one end, you're mature enough to be able to make the right decisions, you're supposed to start taking ownership of certain things. Supposed to bank on those responsibilities that you weren't exactly taken seriously for until now.

And yet, people still treat you like you don't matter. Like you're still too young to understand what goes on in this spherical little globe we call 'the world'.

I'm not complaining that there is this... 'gauge' of sorts.

It's just that it gets so tiring to be flitting from one end of the 'stick' to the other. And it becomes so irritating when you THINK this is the part when you're supposed to..... and it turns out that 'nope. sorry. wrong extreme. try again.'

Horrible, isn't it?

And then there's another part to this story. The whole 'everyone has it, so..... why aren't I....?'

Maybe that's why I'm getting so much new stuff now. Cuz' I can't get what I really want.

Then again, what IS IT that I really want?

That's always a toughie, huh.

I just told Vonne and gang that this year was a pretty good year on a hold. They said that this year was pretty extreme. I couldn't agree more.

2009 is an extreme year. I could be absolutely contented one minute, and then my entire perspective on what is known as 'my life' would change.

If only...

Why should I continue hoping though? It's obvious that there is only one path available for me at this point.

Yeah.

That's life for you..

It's complicated.

We were waiting for each other.

okay. So I realize that it is not easy to type with an itouch. And that it is not easy to blog with it too. So basically, i'm pretty happy with my Christmas present.. I mean, I really never expected to get the iPod touch ever. Even though I was saving up for it.. I was thinking that I would only ever have enough for a nano.

So yes.

I'm a happy girl. :)

and well, I need to rethink my priorities, cuz they're gonna affect the way people see me. And then what? I can't have people thinking that my priorities are completely screwed up right?

On another note, I like it that my touch has an auto-correct function.

I spent an entire day trying to figure out how it works, especially with the whole apps store crap. And now, it's my baby.

I'm gonna call it Mia.

We were waiting for each other.

We'll have the heart not to lose it.

I can't wait for Christmas!

I LOVE MY AUNTIE! :DDD

And we'll have the scars to prove it.

All the planning, the tears, the craziness.

It eventually comes down to something. Most of us wish it would be something good.

I'm lucky that it was.

This weekend may have been extremely tiring and crazy, but it was worth it.

I wanted to cry when camp ended. What I missed, however, was the joy on the campers' faces when they played my games. I was too busy to stop and notice it.

If I saw it, I would've cried. Then and there.

I cried during the PnW session because it was then that I realised that everything that I've done, everything I've planned, sacrificed, cried for, stressed for.. It was for the campers. For God.

I only REALISED it then. That I did ALL this because I really loved God. And I wanted all my campers to do the same. I wanted THEM to love God as much as I do.

And that was probably the reason I took up the 'job' of being Games Head for camp. The reason which I forgot along the way, during the planning and the running up and down, not being able to concentrate on any one thing.

Reading my affirmations lit my face up. Campers wrote to me, which was surprising cuz' I didn't think I'd get a lot of affirmations this year.

I'm glad I decided to take on the role this year.

I'm glad I got the experience and the amount of lessons I've learnt from this.

I'm glad that my very capable games comm, Azriel, Ryan and of course, my darling Belle, was there to make sure I didn't die.

Azriel, for his constant reassuring that everything was going to be okay. Even though I didn't believe him for the most part, everything DID turn out okay. He's my seer. I love him. :)

Belle, because she did as much work as I did. Even though she didn't completely almost go bonkers like I did, she was there to ensure I didn't break down. She handled everything I couldn't. Even though I got mad at her a lot because of the little things, she came through for me. Without her, I wouldn't last through camp.

I also need to thank the whole of camp comm. They were there from the beginning, and in my opinion, we all really did work well with each other.

Alex, because he was the one making sure I was always on the right track. He had so much stress and yet still managed to be there whenever I needed him. And the talks we had, whether good or bad. :)

Pete, because he did all the grown-up thingies that I didn't/couldn't/didn't know how to do. Like come up with all the timings for the programme so that we all had something to work with. And listening to me rant about all my problems. And making sure I didn't go berserk.

Nana, because she had to deal with my logistics nonsense and watch me go over the budget, again and again. And for being extremely nice about it. And for not getting angry when I didn't come through for her. And basically for being so cute during camp and always being there and being such a darling. Without her, my games would have nothing to work with.

Sharon, because she provided all the help she could after pubs was done. And all the advice she gave from being games head last year helped SOO much.

Manny, because he kept making sure I had a smile on my face the whole time. And because he's my older brother, being annoying and caring all at once. :)

I will definitely do this again.

But not any time soon.

I'm too tired.

I just slept for 16 hours. :)

xoxo

Saving the best for last.

I don't know anymore. I keep thinking that it's bound to get better, but I don't know..

Really.

Don't need another perfect line

Vampire Diaries reopens next year.

I'm like, WHAT THE HELL.

This is not cool.

Anyway, I have this wedding to attend tomorrow, so...

Yeah.

Life's a blast now.

Really.

I'm not swimming in to-do list after to-do list.

Really.

Do you remember the times?

My brother has always been the sweet one, always thinking about others first.

That's one of the reasons I love him, even as I roll my eyes at another one of his attempts to try and make the world a better place for the rest of mankind.

He's the one making sure everyone's feelings get considered, especially since my other brother and I have no qualms about feelings and the whatnots that get hurt.

**

I keep dreaming...

And it's always about the same person.

Just different scenes.

It's crazy.

I think I need more sleep.

**

I have a love-hate relationship with band, I swear.

Sometimes, it's just easier to not care about it.

**

And, oh look.

Gossip Girl just got THIS much more interesting.

And predictable.

LAUGHS.

They got their mind on the money.

I need to find a way to concentrate on Economics.

The only thing I keep thinking of is how much I need to do for camp and how little time there is to do it.

Basically, I wanna concentrate fully on camp.

And nothing else.

So basically, I wish I didn't have a band concert next week.

And band camp on thursday.

Because band camp is another way of saying 'I wanna keep you in school to practice until 11 and tire you out so you can play horribly for the concert.'

Actually, I'm getting extremely sick of band. I still love playing, and I know I'll miss the songs I can play once there's no more band, but it's the other things that make me sick.

Make me wanna throw up.

If it wasn't for the horrible fact that the Singapore Education system requires you to maintain a CCA, I'd quit.

I wanna play. I really do. But all this stress is not worth it.

Plus, it seems like I only have one or two true friends in the band now.

Thank goodness it ends next week.

I can't wait for band camp...

..... to be over.

On another note, I decided to use today to do all the stuff that I'm supposed to do before I spend the rest of this week tiring my lips out on my instrument.

And I haven't finished.

Joy is my middle name.

If this blog is supposed to reflect my emotions in life too, you'd think I was a horribly scarred kid always in the midst of her period.

So I present to you the irony of my life. :))

(People ask me how I can stay so cheerful most of the time. Now you know why. :) )

Sometimes I'm scared of you.

On this day, God wants you to know...


... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep. You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep.
 
I found out that one of my favourite, loyal readers is back and loyally reading. :D
 
So this post shall be 'Mel-friendly'. Dedicated to the dear sweet girl that brightened my day just by talking to me on MSN.
 
Had an awesome day with Shu fen. We bought ties from Raffles and ate at BnJ's. It's always nice talking to her. :)

Sometimes, you need to take a step back and realise that your life may have its crazy moments, but the other 90% of the time, THAT'S what you live for.

I have really been tiring myself out too much. Just bent on making sure everything turns out fine.

I should stop worrying.

I've done enough.

Let God do the 'worrying' for me.

:))

Hope this was Mel-friendly enough! ILY Chia Yan Ling!

When all I needed was the truth.

Suddenly, I've become part of the past...

And everyone knows I'm in over my head with eight seconds left in overtime..

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage...

You find another friend and you discard.

Over my head - The Fray

OneRepublic is soon becoming the band to listen to when I'm emo.
That means I'm pretty much listening to it everyday now.

I felt a whole lot better this weekend. Even though the games recee was a bit of a mind-drainer, my darlings made it up to me as usual just by being there.

Sleeping over with the girls and just talking away about anything and everything was exactly what I needed. I felt so happy last night.

"I got angry at you. So I what you?"
"Slap."
"Another word. Sounds something like it!"
"Slah-p."


Taboo with Azriel has to be the most entertaining thing. Somewhat.


J: "I was wondering if you went to your room."
N: "I DID go to my room."
A: "Huh. Then where did you go?"


Belle is deaf.


S: I can't balance very well! I'm not wearing flats!
A: I thought you were wearing your new shoes...
S: I am..
A: I thought they were heels..
S: They ARE..
A: Then why you say you wearing flats?


See above comment in italics


S: Belle's cold sore's so big, it should have its own personality. I like 'Frank'.
J: 'Norman's a nicer name.
S: Frank!
J: Okay. Frank Norman, okay?
S: Yeah! Sounds awesome!


This is how we named Belle's cold sore.


S [to anyone who came along]: Have you met Frank Norman?


Cuz' I'm mean. :)


N: You must excuse me, my bathroom's quite small. (she means the one in her bedroom)
A: Don't complain! I don't have one at all.
J: You don't have a bathroom at home?


Cuz' Belle's very cute sometimes.

And now that the weekend is over, I can look forward to the week.

Which means I'm not really looking forward to much.

At least we had our fun.

I love my girls.

The hope is we have so much to feel good about.

Don't you know I suffer

I'm facing depression as of now.

I don't wanna do anything.

I wanna quit band. I wanna quit camp. I wanna quit acapella.

I wanna sit at home and relax.

Maybe even do some studying.

I don't even wanna get involved in so many things ever again.

I've learnt my lesson.

I won't do it again.

Please, Lord. Don't punish me. I knew not what I was getting myself into when I signed up.
Nothing is fun now, Lord. I don't need fun, actually. I need joy. Nothing brings me joy anymore, Lord. I'm wallowing in a sea of self-pity and I feel so pathetic that I need to blog and 'complain' about my over-commitments to everything but I can't take it anymore, Lord.
I want to share my gifts with the world, but does it have to come at such a heavy price?
Everyone wants my 100%, Lord. I don't have that. I can't give it to anyone. And everyone gets hurt in the end.
Is it worth it, Lord?
Is it worth the pain and effort just to give everyone only about 50% of what I can offer?
Sometimes I give even less.
I'm disappointing so many people, Lord.
People who used to count on me; people who saw someone in me and decided that I was worth the time.
Now, they probably realise it was a big mistake in relying on me.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Please, Lord.
I dont' want to hurt anyone anymore.
Be with me as I complete what I have to do.
Give me the strength, the patience, the guidance.
Let me learn. And learn well.

And I promise I'll never do something as stupid as this ever again in my life if I ever can help it.