I won't let you down.

I love Yvonne.

When she said that, I was really happy inside. Even though it's really a fantasy.

I'm sooooo screwed.

A few hours to my first paper.

Shit. It's almost midnight and I can't sleep.

And I have a paper tml.

You know what? I couldn't stop smiling when I read that message.

serenity

The more you want to tighten the ropes, the more likely they will snap.

It's times like these, you just needa have a lil' more faith in the Big Guy up there.

Cuz' he loves us all. And he ain't tightening the ropes... He's just waiting for the boat to come back to the shore.

Sticky, stuffy, stuffed.

I had a fantastic time with Joan and Manny. As Manny wrote in his phone, he had 'Dinner with the awesome steph and joan'. (Okay, I put it there, but whatever.)

We went to Sakae for unagi, sashimi, and soft-shell crabs! And Manny kept complaining that we were bullying him.. Well, Joan and I HAVE been best friends for 12 years. 12 years MORE, Manny!

After a really nice dinner filled with laughter (and Manny NOT getting some of our jokes... Like the 'mine cup' one. Sheesh.) we went to 32 degrees farenheit for dessert. An ice-shavings place at Marine Parade.

We accept payment by CASH only.
We do not accept 5c coin as part of company policy.

Manny ordered milk and durian. HAHA. Which was the highlight of dessert, actually. Because our Yakult-flavours mixed with fruit tasted so much nicer... And Manny's milk just turned into lumps of ice with milk. The milk tasted... condensed. And Joan said he should've just ordered the milk with cereal and bananas. HAHA.

He would scoop a big spoon of ice shavings, shove the whole thing in his mouth, and take out the spoon with half of the ice still on it. HAHAHA. And he has a BAD habit of speaking with his mouth full, so his words would come out as 'mmfffmmfmfmmfmdffm. Durian.' HAHA.

I had an awesome time tonight. I needed to laugh. :DD

I never told you all I wanted to say.

Okayy.. I'm in need of a well-deserved break. I really think I deserve it. I've been studying since 10am this morning. I deserve it.

Maybe I'm trying to convince myself. Hmm.

Anyway,

I had trouble falling asleep last night. And when I did? I had SOOO many dreams. Some were very nice. :) Some I can't remember. But I think that was the first time I could remember more than one dream per night.

Which is cool.

I need a break. I'm so tired.

I'm a little screwed... Instead of preparing for the worst, I keep thinking positively. VERY positively. Which is good lah. But I'm scared of what my expectations would do to me..

Okay, I might be going crazy. Math is the only thing that can make me feel that way.

I dreamt that he was super caring. But you know? It could be more like a brother-sister kind of care.. He 'forced' me to drink water. Even poured it into a cup for me. "Go, drink it first." He gestured towards the filled cup. I don't even know why I had to drink water.

La la la.... I shall start studying again at 3!

I dreamt that he woke me up because he wanted to help me adjust my tablecloth. I'm not kidding. There were holes in it and he didn't like it. So he woke me up. .... But he said we could go for lunch/dinner (can't remember) after that. I didn't want to wake up though. So I continued sleeping until my mum barged into the room screaming. He was waiting for me at the dining table.

Studying is a waste of a perfectly good Friday afternoon. But it's good for my grades.

I dreamt that Anne and I went shopping at some new mall. And we got lost. And I found a really damn nice knee-length. But it cost about $100. Anne said I should get it. I remember trying it out. It was perfect. Then, the dream ended.

I don't like study-weekends.

I can remember the look he gave me when I walked into the bathroom; my eyes bleary, my hair a complete mess. I wanted to smile, but I don't smile when I wake up. I am not a morning person.

I wanna post something on Facebook before I go back to my tiny hellhole.

I hate it that I don't know what my dreams mean.

If we were a movie.

If we were a movie
You'd be the right guy
And I'd be the best friend
That you'd fall in love with
In the end
We'd be laughin'
Watchin' the sunset
Fade to black
Show the names
Play that happy song

I'm channelling Hannah Montana.

That's how far gone I am. HELP!
I need a break from Chemistry. So I'm going to do Physics later. Joy.

Good times

You know what? I'm probably making a huge mistake.

The road outside my house.

My usual torrent site is on the blitz. I'm currently mourning its unavailibility. Now I have to download Gossip Girl off a SUBSTITUTE. And after this, I have the bloody EOM to finish. Which sucks. My life's a drab sometimes.

Okay, it's not all that bad. There are a few reasons why my life's quite bearable.

1) The random thoughts of him. I have a love-hate relationship with my thoughts lah. Let's leave it at that.

2) Daryl's sleepover Daffodil-style after the promos.

3) Facebook visits that can bring a smile to my face.

4) I had a pretty good day hanging out with my clique in class.

I'm really liking my class a lot now. I like it that I'm getting closer to people that I never thought in my entire life I would get close to. I think the fact that we're a small bunch of misfits just make the entire thing even cooler. I once thought that the only people I would be close to were people who were mostly like me; loud, english-speaking, chatty, out-going. The exception being my BFFs, of course. But that's cuz' we've been friends since we were young 'uns. Now, I see that it's really possible to expand your social circle and include people you tend to overlook. And the results are awesome. I love my girls. I really do. They may not be anything like me, but they are loyal, sweet, and very lovely. And we can crack in a few laughs, which are not unwelcome.

The lunch today was so nice. It was something simple, yet showed how close we were getting.

And OP rehearsal wasn't so bad today. I really love my group. I think we're good together. :) I thank God for them.

I can't wait for the sleepover at Daryl's! It's gonna be awesome fun!

And I'm gonna tell him before China. It's confirmed.

Look into my eyes

It's too much. Really. I don't know what to do.
At this point, I'm taking things one at a time. I literally wait till I 'cross that bridge'. Really.
I'm not planning ahead. I'm not thinking of anything happening beyond next week. Heck, Im not thinking of tomorrow.
There's a lot going on tml, btw. So... not thinking of it is quite freaky. But I'm willing myself not to think about anything else. I spent too much time delving into the 'affairs of the heart', which FOR GODS' SAKE is NOT gonna get me any scholarship into any damn university any time soon!

Now that I'm back in reality and I had my 'fun', I have to face the consequences of my actions. Which are not pretty. And I'm totally going crazy over here.

Dear dear girl, how could you have let yourself slip? Over a guy, no less. C'mon.. you're not 13 anymore, are you?

Gosh, I WISH I was 13. Then again, I don't. I don't know. I just wanna do what God wanted me to do.

Then again, Alvin once told me that completing my education is the one thing He wants me to do now. Which I am trying to do. But it keeps presenting itself as an increasingly impossible thing to do.

Okay. God will make everything alright. Right? I don't know. I know I shouldnt do that. I'm confused. Should I rely on God? I mean... duh, I should. But God helps those who help themselves. Am I helping myself? I don't know. I'm SOO confused right now. I don't know if just praying will help, and I should stop worrying so much because God will provide. Or maybe He wanted me to be tested on something...?
I DON'T KNOW.

GOSSSHHHHH.

I'm completely going crazy. I really wanna stay at home for the remainder of the week and cool off, study at my own pace, etc.

But I can't. I didn't even STUDY for the most part of today. SO lazy, so lazy, so lazy. Couldn't bring myself to study, too bleahhh.... I'm SOOOOO screwed.

AARRGGHHH.. I don't know what to do anymore. I wanna just give this up to God. Seriously. I wanna just leave it to him. Like.... if I retain, it was His Will.

Maybe I should pray more.

And.

I decided to tell him.

Now I just have to figure out when.

Probably before China.

Gotta be somebody

My brothers are so annoying. How I can love them still is BEYOND me. Sometimes, I love them wayy too much than they deserve.

My message today was:
that it's your heart that knows who loves you, not your ears or eyes. Listen to the words, and you can be fooled. Look at the actions, and you can be fooled. Feel deeply into your heart, and then you will know the truth. Who makes your heart soar now?

It's really driving me nuts. Those long conversations I have with him are making it very hard for me. I feel like I should just stop talking to him altogether. Don't pick up his calls, don't call him.
I'm really trying to stop. But I can't! How can I when untangling the string is ALMOST impossible.. PLUS it just GOT worse because I found another tangle. ANOTHER ONE. Because, apparently, the tangles present are not enough... noooo..

Only, it's not as simple as a phone call, is it?

Anyway, I had tremendous fun yesterday. You know? I never thought I'd have fun playing with lanterns again. Tammy was right, I SHOULD embrace the child within more. Well, actually, I thought I was doing it wayy too much for my own good. *shrug*

I met Belle in church at 7 to do math. Only, SHE started telling people about her experiences at Ms A. Ang's wedding, so she didn't really study much. Okay, I didn't either. I was too busy laughing everytime she recounted her 'adventures'. Well, I tried. Hanging out with Belle was awesome. I love it when we get high together and do the stupidest things. I missed that.

Walked to ECP with Sharon, Desiree Khng, Bernie, and Bernie's boyfriend and little sister. We walked the long way, which when you think about it was cool, except for the fact that I was a bit worried that we couldn't find the underpass, so I got a bit worried, which kinda affected my atmosphere a bit.

Reached ECP and found the other group, (Andrew, Belle, Alex Boy, Brian, Raymond) and they were still discussing stuff, so we decided to wander off to the sea area to give them some peace. Suddenly, Belle shouted 'Steph! There got cockroaches!' And of course, I screamed. We ALLL screamed. (Cept Bernie's boyfriend.) and RAN. HAHAHA. It was like a comedy or something. The guys started laughing at us. Which is NOT cool.

I think the BEST part of the day was the SPARKLERS! That is ONE thing I'll never outgrow. We made the word 'Youhf', which was SO awesome... And I did the 'O', which was... easy. HAHA. Then we had jump-shots! OMG. HAHA. It was like the best youth moments all in one day mann.. But I think the jumpshots quite fail lah. HAHAHA. But it was fun! Especially when Alex went '1, 2, 3..' and we all RAN towards him. He was soo stunned. HAHA. And Brian said Andrew looked like he wanted to hantam Alex boy. HAHAHA.

We walked back to church and called Steph to do the Jesus cheer! I'm gonna miss her. I almost cried when she called me in the bus that evening. And then Brian entertained Belle and I with his 'ho-me-ma-de pi-ne-ap-ple ta-rt-s' and various 'laughing techniques'. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt so bad. Brian is damn funny lahh.

Today, I met up with Nat! I was so happy cuz' I really hadn't seen her in a very long time. We talked and talked a lot. I really missed her. I miss our sleepovers. I wanna have one soon!!

Well, this is another week gone. And my life sometimes feels like it's passing me by..

But I count the blessings I have. My darling talkatives, my wondeful church friends, my girlfriends in class, my Daffodils clique, my lovely friends from school, my beautiful family, my love for God.

There is no other as blessed as I am.

My First Experience.

Today marked the first day of the rest of my life.

I realised how truly pampered I am.

Well, sort of lah.

Today, I stepped into a polyclinic. FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I am not kidding. In my entire 17 years, I have never stepped into a poly clinic before. Ever.

It felt like I was entering a whole new world. Seriously.

After my consultation with the doctor, I went to the pharmacy.

Only I didn't know you were supposed to slip your paper into the box that said 'prescriptions' cuz' the private clinic near my home didn't have that kinda thing.

So I was waiting for a invariably long time... And soon after, this pharmacist guy came out and sighed '小姐阿。' He then took the prescription paper from my hand.

That was really embarrassing.

So anyway, this was a cool experience. And the fees are SOOO CHEAP. After everything, it cost me SIX DOLLARS. SIXXX.

It's times like this I really think the government's cool.