But we walk the plank on a sinking ship

My life is just... PW PW PW PW PW PW PW PW.

You know? If you look at the word long enough, it just looks like 'pow'. "Pow pow pow pow pow."

I really CAN'T wait for it to be over, although it has been fun working with my group members. :) And the silly things we do. That's always fun.

You know? I've been having weird dreams lately. Not weird good, or weird bad... Just... it's horribly annoying not being able to interpret my dreams, you know?

I was sifting through my drawer and I found the pieces of paper we got during Camp Daniel last year. There was one on dream interpretation, which I thought COULD be useful? But it wasn't.. The bottom line was 'your dreams are normally what YOU interpret it to be.' Which doesn't help much...
But just looking at those papers brought back so many memories from last year. The fun I had, the friends I made. And it was just one of those experiences that you don't want to forget, you know?

***Okay. I am completely freaked out by 'Friday the 13th' that my brother is playing in the living room. I'm trying to blast music through my headphones, but everytime there's a pause between songs, I hear screaming and I want to vomit.***

Anyway, I should get going.
I'm supposed to be studying.

And I'm having YC retreat over the next two days. :)

Dreams are just...

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?

If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side


Doesn't this feel like a literature text?

Cheese mixed with onions and crackers.

Project Work will kill me if Promos don't take me first.

If you find me lifeless and cold on a sidewalk in the middle of October, tell my mother I love her.

Because I'm a Gossip Girl

Till tonight do us part

Dealing with menstrual cramps is not fun. It hurts. A lot.

But a day off school is something I can handle fairly well.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were never born?

And I'm so sorry, but not really.

I think I should just lock up my computer.

You’re a canary, I’m a coal mine
Cause sorrow is just all the rage
Take one for the team
You all know what I mean

And I’m so sorry, but not really
Tell the boys where to find my body
New York eyes, Chicago thighs
Pushed up the window to kiss you off

I've got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers. - Fall Out Boy


She walked into the room. Her eyes carried unshed tears that echoed years of bitterness which never found closure. She eyed the room unconciously, her eyes settling on an old dresser standing proudly in the corner. In a quick flash of movement, she crossed the bed and grabbed the sides of the aged furniture, shaking it violently. Her tears silently wet her face as she abused the dark brown oak, giving it a hefty push as she growled with frustration. The sound of wood smacking onto the wall seemed to wake her up. Her eyes blinked wide as she stared at the brutally, manhandled dresser. Something shiny on the floor caught her eye; A letter opener with elegant carvings on its handle. She slowly bent her aching knees, reaching out for the attractive object. Her long fingers curled themselves around the blade and she could feel warm liquid stain her palm as she tightened her fist. Drawing the knife closer to herself, she slowly opened her fist and stared at the beautiful markings on the handle, now stained with red. Her vision blurred once more as tear drops fell onto the knife, cleaning it of the crimson. Throwing the knife down, she abruptly stood up and dragged the back of her clean hand across her face, cleaning it. Then she walked towards the open hallway, never once looking back.

You're not here with me.

And school started. Not good.

Russell Peters - Haunted House/Playing DDR

This video had its swear words beeped out. And it's just SO cute! Must watch!

The truth hurts worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you.

All I can say, is yay for blogger! Sometimes, it's a bitch that has a solution.

I had a dream last night that I want to remember because it really has been a while since I've had a nice dream, let alone a sweet one? All my dreams have been weird, or just... mundane. So this is something I want remembered in, 10 to 15 years. :)

I dreamt about my superman.

We were in a restaurant, a few friends of ours, and the two of us.

And I was supposed to sit across him, but more people came, and we decided to join tables.. And so he pulled me to sit next to him. Which seems like nothing much? But honestly? Someone whom you like pulls you close to him? It's like *eyes shine brightly*.

I can't remember what happened much during the dinner. I only remember getting something on my cheek. And so he leaned close and wiped it off for me. Which is like, *eyes shine even more brightly*.

These few actions may seem rather simple, but the emotions running through me were rather indescribable.

I know what Joan says. That it's crazy if I even THINK of the not-so-possible.... But what if it WAS possible, you know? I don't wanna think like that, because I know the horrible things that could happen should I think that way.. I should KNOW the horrible things VERY WELL actually. Plus, Joan would get the horrible-ness of the situation the second-worst because I'll go running to her in my upset-ness.

Okay.... so a FEW factors make it a tad.... even MORE not-so-possible... But, I mean, there's still a VERY small chance right? Like, winning the lottery... The odds are stacked a million to one? But SOMEONE's gotta win it. So, why not me? (Am I seriously comparing feelings to gambling?)

Anywayy, one thing is sure. This dream? Ain't gonna get rid of him. No way in hell. Anyway, it's already impossible to get rid of him. It'd be like trying to separate two pieces of tangled string. Have you ever tried that before? You'd go crazy. I mean, I'd know...

I have actually tried to untangle string before.

And with every step together.

I was SOOO weak and dead after math tuition. One week without tuition, and I thought it would be okay? But it's NOT. And I was DYING.. And ALL the calculus FLYING around my head, I made so many careless mistakes in my work, and after like, 1.5 hours, I couldn't even think anymore. And I would just look at my teacher helplessly. And he would try to help? But after that, I was just looking at him blankly, and he would say, 'Yes. This simply works like that, if you get what I'm talking about." And I would groan softly. And you could almost see the pity in his expression, but he kept pressing on.. And when he left, I wanted to celebrate my freedom from my MIND, but then I had to rush and get changed and prepare to go to church.

-

Yesterday, seeing my mother in such a distressed state, I wanted to weep with her. Her muffled sobs as her tears stained the front of my shirt were so disheartening, I didn't know why I didn't break down and cry as she did. I wanted to. I almost did. I think the Lord needed me to be strong for her though. I managed to keep my cool. My voice didn't even crack. I just kept soothing her back and assuring her that everything would be alright. I smiled, hugged her, let her pour out her sorrows, and I didn't even allow a tear to fall. I wonder how I got all that courage. All that bravery and resistance. Even now, as I recount those few moments, tears are threatening to burst. I know that as of now, my throat is closed-up. But I'm not gonna cry. I don't know why, but I can't. Maybe not now.. maybe when I have the privacy of my four walls to keep me from the rest of the world. Maybe then, I'll let the tears fall.

What surprised me was that I would never have been able to last long before. My mother's tears were always my breaking point. I could never have dry eyes when hers were wet with sorrow. When she cried, my throat would close-up and my eyes would feel searing hot. I couldn't stand it. My mother was my pillar. When she broke, how could I, leaning on her with my every breath, not fall as well? And yet, this time, I was her strength. I was her comfort. I remember all the times she had to gather me in her arms, even now, and hush me when my sadness overwhelmed me.

When I had to do it for her, I found the strength from the Lord to do the same. I quietly gathered her in my arms and told her everything was going to be alright. I even did what she would do when I used to sulk. She would give me snacks, or something sweet, and bring me to do something fun Something that would take my mind off things. This time, I watched a DVD with her in my room. The screen may have been small, and my mum may not have gotten all the 'laughs' she needed, but I knew she felt a whole lot better. Because I did.

-

Today marked the end of YFP. And it was a cute occasion mixed with laughter. (Except for the part where a DISGUSTING cockroach fell from the air-con vent and I screamed to high heavens and they laughed at me. :( )
However, there was this thing... It kept coming back to me. Like an annoying fly that keeps smacking you at the back of your neck. I was a little bit annoyed. And a little upset. But you know, I guess things don't always turn out the way you want, huh.

-

You know what? School starts in 2 days. Shit.

The chances of finding someone like you.

It's like catching lightning

I'm quite sad. Just yesterday, blogger was working REALLY well. Awesome, in fact. I was like, 'Wheee!' And now.. It's all wonky again. :(

Ah well. Okay, here I go on about the affairs of the heart, once again... I was trying to study? And I kept thinking about him. It was half I-want-to, and half I-can't-help-but.

Okay, I really think I may go crazy. The funny thing is, I really like those feelings! It feels like something else is going on in my life besides the sad, sad routine I go through every week now. Seriously. Not only does my timetable suck, I NEED to go through the same thing every SINGLE week. No change. No alternate timetables. NOTHING.

So anything that seems to give me respite, I will gladly take it.

I feel so dead. I feel like... I actually have a chance of not doing well for promos. I'm too scared. I'm really scared. I actually really want to try H3 math, but if I can't even prove that I can juggle 4 H2 subjects, how the hell am I supposed to prove that I can deal with an EXTRA subject?

Okay. It's going to be fine, right? I just need to pray. A lot.

This is also the point where I say I think I take on wayy too much.

Before the YEAR is over, I need to worry about a lot of things.
- TOOP to Yunnan (Previously Cambodia)
- Camp Seven: Survivor!
- A (maybe) performance for Feast Day by the Acapella team.
- My Promos (oh right...)
- Project Work :(

It's a lot. A LOT. I should stop saying yes to everything. I think God didn't want me to die, and so he made sure I couldn't find the Conversational Malay class when I was supposed to take the class. If I DID find the class, I would have been fully packed from monday to friday. (This was before PDPs were suspended.)

I don't think it's only church? (Though everyone seems to think I'm saying yes to too much stuff in church too) I think it's just this thing, I NEED to have something to do. I don't know why, but I just can't be one of those people who get to go home straight after school everyday to study. I mean, I would love to do that, but I can't bring myself to. It just makes it seeem like I have no life. Like my world is revolved around my studies. Which is SUPPOSED to be what it is, I guess.. But maybe I just don't want to do that. I WANT to fill myself with stuff.

Which, again, is NOT good. Because I get very confused, and tired, and I already have too much in my mind for me to take on anymore. I may actually burn out soon.

I mean, it seemed so easy in Secondary School.. But i can't continuue doing that right? JC's a completely different ball game. And I don't want to risk not doing well for my A'levels because of all the excess things I do on the side. It's too 'wasted'.

Anyway, I should just start breathing, and learn to maybe say 'no' to some things.

You know what? I actually miss the Daffodils. I miss gossiping during lecture week. I want to lunch with them next Wednesday and catch up on all the crazy things.

And I miss conversations with Dione. Cuz' she always managed to make me feel better. Even on the stupidest things. (OR point out how stupid those things were.)

Tonight's gonna be a good night.

Technically, it's 12.30 in the morning. But the 'night' is still young, no?

I just had camp meeting with Bernie and Pete.. and well, that was pretty much the highlight of the day..

I rewatched Hana Yuri Dango. Yeah, I WAS trying to study in between japanese phrases? But it doesn't work that way. I know. :(

Oddly, people keep asking me about my future today. (When I say 'people', I mean my second brother and Bernie.)

I either wanna pursue a career in Law or Politics. And yes, I realise that those careers have NOTHING to do with WHATEVER I'm studying in JC now. Which suck a little, but I dunno. I think it's still cool to 'know' these things, you know?

IF I can remember them well enough for promos. :((

I'm going to make this short. I have to get up early tml to do project work. Which is blood-sucking and murderous. (But I love the people I'm doing it with! Yes, Janice, you'll probably read this. HAHA.)

You know what? I don't like it when people take more than a DAY to answer my messages. It's just SO rude, no?